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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:10)


content Some Humor to brighten up your day

Redneck Driver's License Application
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

LVL 80 Draenei Shaman
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#1  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:11)


Grinch Test

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas Day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100:

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

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#2  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:12)


Funny Fast Food Application

Actual Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: ##:##-##:## p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

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#3  
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Posts: 6/382
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:25)


lol very funny
#4  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:30)


Thank you, it's from jokesandhumor.com.

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#5  
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(Posted as Forsaken Wolf)
Posts: 138/834
Donated $1.08
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:30)


ROTFLMAO LOL
Where did you find that stuff??

Fade Away[/center][/size]
#6  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:34)


here I'll post some more funny stuff.

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#7  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:36)


Famous Sexual Quotes

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
-- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams

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#8  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:40)


Classified Ads

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
-----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------------------------
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
---------------------------------
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
---------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents
-----------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
-----------------------------------
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
---------------------------------
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE
-------------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
--------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
---------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
-----------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
-------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
-------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
------------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175.
-------------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
-------------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
------------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
-----------------------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

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#9  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 09:46)


A Quickie?

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that’s a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU."

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'…"

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#10  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 10:09)


Funny Bumper Stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading

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#11  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(03-Nov-2002 at 10:15)


25 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:

You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Hangovers go away
A beer label comes off without a fight
Beer is never late
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
Beer never gets a headache
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
A beer always goes down easy
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand equality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony

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Alliance FTW!!!
#12  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(05-Nov-2002 at 08:11)


Points to Ponder
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

- How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

- I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

- What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

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#13  
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(Posted as Kyrina DOAA)
Posts: 47/329
(05-Nov-2002 at 08:19)


Slogans That Never Quite Caught On

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid."

Iguana: "The other green meat."

Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"

Trojans: "Just add meat."

Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

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#14  
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(User is Banned)
Posts: 4704/7154
Donated $2.77
(05-Nov-2002 at 08:23)


ROFL!!!!!!!!!

Oh my god thats funny stuff.. *hugs Kyrina heaps and heaps*

God, I am still laughing..

º»ºThe Kittens of Playfulnessº«º
Fire and Ice
Tails Entwined in Fun and Love
º»ºSilvreWolf My love, I am yoursº«º
#15  
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Posts: 37/130
(05-Nov-2002 at 09:55)


lol is all i can say
#16  
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(Posted as Bassman)
(User is Banned)
Posts: 44/105
Donated $0.28
(05-Nov-2002 at 11:17)


15 Things to do at K-Mart while your spouse, partner, significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,'and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on >>layby.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling knifes in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'.

And last but not least, 15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'

HAVE FUN!
#17  
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(Posted as Bassman)
(User is Banned)
Posts: 44/105
Donated $0.28
(05-Nov-2002 at 12:16)


BTW...love the other jokes above..
#18  
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(Posted as Shadow Blade)
Posts: 53/54
(05-Nov-2002 at 18:29)


content

FUNNY! me needs more! hey, i think i'm developing a sense of humor!

The greatest Shadow
Commander of ORP
Current Version: 1.0
#19  
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(Posted as Thijmen)
Posts: 15/961
(05-Nov-2002 at 21:14)


content

ROFLOL!

Anybody got more? PLEASE!!

Sorry, I couldn't stop myself
Signature recreated by Thijmen X to violate the boringness.
Smiter in name of the Ascendents / Psychic member of BB #1,2,3 and 4 and host of BB 5 / Official Trainer, Hero and Owner of EmoKat/Kerri/Beertje
#20  
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